Until The Day I Die
by Marissa Davis
Summary: Full summary inside please read and review! They say that there is someone out there for everyone. Someone who completes you and is better for you than the rest. That was my problem there isn't anybody better than Marissa, not for me anyway. RM angst!
1. Chapter 1

**Hey so I have never written an OC fic before but I am thinking about it!**

**It would be a one shot between season's 3 and 4 so right after Marissa's death. It would be in Ryan's pov and it will be very dark and angsty, which is my preferred story so I really hope that you review about the idea and I will write the actual fic, so please review I would really appreciate it!!**

**Summary: They say that there is one person out there for everyone. Someone who completes you and is better for you than the rest. That was my problem there isn't anybody better than Marissa, not for me anyway. Completely RM Ryan's pov one shot.**

**Please review!!!**

**Xoxo Summer Davis**


	2. Crash and Burn

**Hey so I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to finally put up the story!! So I was thinking and I am not making this only a one shot is going to be more like a three shot if that makes sense? The first chapter will be Seth's thoughts about Marissa, then Summer's and finally it will conclude with Ryan's, which is what it was supposed to be in the beginning. I am sorry if you don't like the other chapters but they will be first!! I hope you enjoy here is the first official chapter about Seth and Marissa. Just a heads up it's a little AU.**

"_There's been an accident."_

After that Seth stopped listening. He couldn't help it he just stopped. He might have been coherent enough to hear that Ryan had got out with mild injuries, but she was dead.

_When you feel all alone,  
and the world has turned its back on you,_

Right after he heard that he put the phone down and turned to his parents and uttered two words he didn't want to believe, "Marissa's dead." He walked upstairs towards his room still disbelieving. A few hours ago he had been celebrating with Summer that he would be joining her up at school next year. He had been happy.

_Give me a moment please,  
to tame your wild wild heart,_

Now it was like that didn't matter as much. _She's dead._ Seth opened his door and walked in shutting it quietly behind him. He sat down on the edge of his bed and refused to believe it. He grabbed his phone and hit the number 4-speed dial and waited. After 3 rings he heard _her_ voice. Her voicemail. _"Hey it's Marissa leave a message!" _Seth didn't leave a message. He just let the phone slip from his fingers and fall to the floor still open.

_I know it feels like the walls are closing in on you,  
it's hard to find relief,_

Seth broke out into a cold sweat. He's not really sure why he walked over to his desk and turned on the computer. He got onto iTunes and burned a cd of his favorite type of music. Punk. All of his favorite bands, The Cramps, Stiff Little Fingers, The Clash, The Sex Pistols, and of course Death Cab For Cutie. That was Marissa's favorite music too. _Was. _Seth couldn't think about that. He burned the cd and put in his stereo and turned it up all the way, blocking out all outside sounds.

_And people can be so cruel,  
when darkness is upon your door and you feel like you can't take anymore,_

Next he opened up a drawer in his desk and pulled out his favorite book On The Road. That was Marissa's favorite book too. _Was. _He froze; the few cold beats of sweat poured down his face and back. But once again blocking it out, just listening to the words of each song and reading every word carefully.

_Let me be the one you call,  
if you jump I'll break your fall,  
Lift you up and fly away into the night.  
If you need to fall apart,  
I can mend a broken heart,  
if you need to crash then crash and burn,  
you're not alone._

By the time he finished the book, the cd had repeated itself several times. He didn't care. He could never get sick of listening to this music no matter how much he heard it. He also couldn't get sick of this book no matter how many times he read it.

_When you feel all alone,  
and a loyal friend is hard to find,_

Marissa wouldn't have either; after all it was all her favorite too. _Was. _That's all he could think about now. _Was. Past tense. She's dead. _He didn't want to think. Thinking is overrated. Then a very disturbing thought hit him. They weren't the core four anymore or the fantastic four as he called them. She's gone. They could never be that again. They could never be complete again. That's how they functioned. The 4 of them made up one person all apart of each other in a different way.

_You're caught in a one-way street,  
with the monsters in your head._

With out Marissa they were just Seth, Summer, and Ryan. Not whole, not happy, not okay. She couldn't be dead. Seth froze again. He wasn't complete anymore. Summer, Ryan and Marissa were the only reasons he even existed in the first place, the only reasons why he was still here in this god-forsaken town. He felt his blood boil. Summer is the love of his life, Ryan is his brother, Marissa (not always but after Ryan came) is his best friend (besides Ryan). He sighed.

_When hopes and dreams are far away,  
and you feel like you can't face the day._

Seth started to shake. He put his book down and picked up his sketchpad. Without thinking he stared drawing. He had drawn _her _many times before, but not as Marissa as Cosmo Girl her super hero alter ego. Seth didn't think as he drew every feature of her face with shaky hands, but managed not to let it show.

_Let me be the one you call,  
if you jump I'll break your fall,  
Lift you up and fly away into the night.  
If you need to fall apart,  
I can mend a broken heart,  
if you need to crash then crash and burn,  
you're not alone._

He finished. It was perfect, just like a photograph. That face was burned into his memory forever. That's all now a _memory. _Seth couldn't help but think that he could never show this to her. They couldn't hang out and listen to music anymore of just joke around and make fun of each other ever again.

_Because there has always been heartache and pain,  
and when it's over you'll breathe again._

Again he reached into his drawer and pulled out 2 photographs. The first was taken on the first day of kindergarten. Their parents being best friends made them ride together and insisted on a picture. Since they were friendly enough they stood there with their arms around each other and smiled big. The second was taken the day before on Graduation. Their parents once again pulled them aside and insisted on a picture again. So they stood there happily again remembering the first time they had done this and joked about it later, and put their arms around each other with big smiles to capture another great memory.

_You'll breathe again._

Seth put the photos down side by side and walked over to the floor to pick up his phone. He looked at it. It had been hours since he made that phone call. Hours since it slipped right out of his grasp. He set it down on the end.

_When you feel all alone,  
and the world has turned it back on you,_

The music was still blaring from his speakers filling the whole house with his and Marissa's favorite songs. He looked at the items on his desk, the two pictures taken, the book, the drawing, and the phone. He stared at the phone. He just couldn't bring himself to close it and end the call. The timer was still going as her name flashed with another picture set as her picture ID. It was still there. He had taken the picture of them at the diner merely a few short months before when they were still the fantastic four. When they were still whole.

_Give me a moment please,  
to tame your wild wild heart._

He sat next to her in the booth and held up the camera. He told her to make a funny face and she stuck out her tongue and tried not to laugh while Seth scrunched up his face. After they laughed hard at them selves like they always had. It didn't matter that they were 18 year olds taking silly pictures of them selves. They were Seth and Marissa 2 of the core four just being them selves, kids at heart.

_Let me be the one you call,  
if you jump I'll break your fall,_

The seconds of the call still counted just waiting for him to leave a message for her. A message she will never receive. Seth's legs collapsed and he fell into his chair and looked over each item carefully one last time. Now Seth Cohen wasn't tough you could ask anyone and they would agree, but he wasn't as weak as some think and he certainly didn't cry very often.

_Lift you up and fly away into the night.  
If you need to fall apart,_

Right then at that moment he put his elbows on his thys leaned forward and put his face in his hands and cried. Cried for Summer who would take this even worse than him and probably push him away. Cried for Ryan who would never get over her. Cried for her family her mother, sister, and father who were more like her second family anyway. And finally cried for himself. Marissa was apart of him, and when she died apart of _him_ died too.

_I can mend a broken heart,  
if you need to crash then crash and burn,  
you're not alone._

**Ok so I know I made them way closer than they were and I always hated that we never saw how Seth handled the news about her death. Oh and sorry if at sometimes it seemed like he was in love with her or something I am completely S/S and R/M it just kind of came out that way!! So anyway please review I would love it so much say anything you want!! Thanks so much!!! Crash and Burn by Savage Garden.**


	3. Best Friend

**Hey so here is the next chapter about Summer's thoughts and I really hope that you like it!!!**

"Summer honey I am so sorry she didn't make it." Neil Roberts told his daughter Summer that her best friend just died in a car accident.

_Whenever I'm down, I call on you my friend  
A helping hand you lend, in my time of need so I_

Summer's heart stopped. She literally couldn't _feel_ anything. She just nodded and said okay and walked upstairs to her room. She was walking around barefoot, but not feeling the cold tiles of her stairs beneath her feet. She didn't feel the soft texture of her carpet once she was in her room.

_I'm calling you now, just to make it through  
what else can I do, don't you hear my please  
Friends may come and friends may go_

Summer didn't do anything. She didn't know what to do. So she stood there for hours just staring at nothing. Not thinking, not remembering, not anything. Her heart hadn't started beating still. That probably should have been bad, but Summer didn't notice.

Finally when her phone rang for about the hundredth time she went over to it. She looked at the caller ID and for a second she could have sworn that it said 'Coop' with her number underneath the name. Her breath caught as she opened the phone, only to be disappointed to see Seth's number instead. She didn't answer she closed her phone and tossed it aside.

_But you should know that  
I've got your back, it's automatic_

Wishful thinking.

Summer sat on her bed expecting to feel the softness of her mattress and the silky feel of her purple sheets. _She didn't. _Once again that should have alarmed her, but she didn't notice. She looked at her nightstand and saw the picture of all four of them in Tijuana three years ago. All smiles no worries just them being them selves having fun. Unfortunately that was before Marissa saw Luke cheating on her and she took all of those pills.

_So never hesitate to call  
Cuz I'm your sister and always for ya and I_

She should have felt something when she looked at a photo of Marissa, but she didn't. She couldn't change it she wouldn't try. She would just have to accept it or at least that was what she told herself. Summer looked across the bathroom into _her _bedroom. Still clean just as she had left it. It almost looked like no one had ever been there, Kaitlin had already took everything of Marissa's away and put it in a box. There was no real proof that Marissa had ever occupied that room anymore.

_I don't know what I'd ever do without you  
From the beginning to the end  
You've always been here right beside me  
So I'll call you my best friend  
Through the good times and the bad ones  
Whether I lose or If I win  
I know one thing that never changes and  
That's you as my best friend_

Summer sighed. She was empty. She couldn't feel. She didn't need to feel to know that she was empty she just was. Marissa is dead. 'She's dead.' Summer thought.

_Whenever I'm down  
with all that's going on, it's really going on_

The second she thought that all of the color drained from her face. She looked at the picture again and instead of feeling nothing she felt _everything._ She looked at Marissa's smiling face and she felt pain. She would never get to see her best friend smile like that again. She would never get to see her best friend again. Period.

_Just one of those days  
you say the right thing, to keep me moving_

Images of her childhood with Marissa came back to her all at once. Everything they had ever been through every laugh, every tear and all of their talks. That was what made them true best friends was the fact that they talked about everything no matter what it was. Marissa knew absolutely everything about her and vice versa. She would never tell Marissa anything to her face again. Summer doubled over in pain.

_To keep me going strong, what else can I say?_

She couldn't breath. It was like all of the air had just disappeared. She clutched her sides and yelped when a stabbing pain went right through her chest. She was actually coming apart. She clutched harder to her sides and her breathing became more and more shallower by the second.

_Friends are there through thick and thin  
Well I've been told that_

She started to shake her head ignoring the pain, just concentrating on the fact that her best friend in the whole world was gone, dead. It couldn't be true she refused to actually believe that Marissa was gone forever. It was a joke; a sick joke and Marissa, Seth and Ryan would call her later and just say that they were kidding. Summer shook her head again because she knew that wouldn't happen.

_And I believe that it's automatic  
Call me when you need a friend_

She panicked and the sudden emotion just brought on a new wave of pain, and it crashed down on her harder than anything ever had before on Summer's body. She didn't cry though she wanted to she knew that she should, but for some reason she just _couldn't. _Her breathing was now almost nonexistent. She was shaking uncontrollably and her nails dug into her sides so hard that they broke through her skin and a small trickle of blood poured down both of her sides. At least she was feeling something even though it wasn't pleasant.

_Cuz I'm your sister and always for ya and I don't know_

Summer was scared she didn't know what was happening. She needed to see Marissa. She wasn't dead, she couldn't be. Summer thought maybe she should go to the airport and stop Marissa from going to Greece for a year. There was no way that when she said goodbye to her that it was forever. She just wouldn't accept that.

_I don't know what I'd ever do without you  
From the beginning to the end  
You've always been here right beside me  
So I'll call you my best friend  
Through the good times and the bad ones  
Whether I lose or If I win  
I know one thing that never changes and  
That's you as my best friend_

She fell over onto her side. Her hair fell onto her face, but she didn't touch it. She just laid there still holding herself together afraid if she let go then she would just shatter into thousands of pieces on her floor. She was still shaking and she couldn't stop. Summer put all of her thoughts and energy into breathing and not shaking, but nothing was working.

After trying for a few more minutes she just _stopped. _Stopped moving, stopped breathing completely, stopped functioning all together. Summer lay on her floor still as a statue. If anyone saw her they would assume she was the one who was dead not Marissa. But Marissa wasn't dead. She kept telling herself that. Too bad she wasn't listening.

_I don't know what I'd ever do without you  
From the beginning to the end  
You've always been here right beside me  
So I'll call you my best friend  
Through the good times and the bad ones  
Whether I lose or If I win  
I know one thing that never changes and  
That's you as my best friend_

Summer isn't sure at all how one second it was dark outside and the next time she opened her eyes it was bright and sunny outsider her window. She didn't move though. She was still in the same spot on her floor between her bed and the bathroom door. Her dark locks of hair were still in her face. She hadn't moved a muscle all night.

Marissa is dead. She wasn't coming back. Not ever.

_I'll be there for you  
when you're going through,_

Summer found her self-getting up without moving, walking to her dresser without knowing why or how. She saw nothing but pictures of she and Marissa on top of it. It was strange as she looked at all of the years passing right before her eyes as they aged in each different picture she didn't feel pain.

She didn't feel happy, sad, angry, or grief. But why would she? She thought that there was a reason, but she couldn't remember. She didn't feel anything. She couldn't think of the last time that she actually felt something.

Summer didn't remember the night before when she heard the worst new she would ever hear in her life. She didn't loose her sister/best friend in a car accident last night. No she was on her way to Hawaii and then off to Greece, she would call her later.

_Wouldn't you be my friend  
Friend you can count on me_

Summer looked at the picture on her night table and when she usually did she would feel a wave of joy and nostalgia about when they were the happy core four when they were whole. Summer didn't feel whole for some reason. She didn't question it. She didn't care and she still wasn't sure why.

_Call me when you need me_

She made her way into the bathroom to take a shower as she started to undress she saw the blood stained clothes that she was wearing. She looked confused, and didn't recall why they would be like that. Maybe she bought them like that. Summer didn't know.

_I don't know what I'd ever do without you  
from the beginning to the end_

She looked into Marissa's room, but nothing was really in it. Maybe that wasn't Marissa's room anymore was it ever? She turned on the water without feeling the temperature and she got in and spent a good twenty minutes doing her routine that she did everyday. She didn't have to think about it she just did it.

_You've always been here right beside me  
so I'll call you my best friend_

Summer didn't think as she dried off or when she saw her reflection in the mirror. The person looking back didn't look like what Summer thought she looked like. Maybe she never really saw her own reflection before now.

_Through the good times and the bad ones  
whether I lose or if I win_

Summer didn't do anything anymore. If she did she would never remember doing it. She can't remember the last time that she felt something or did anything worthwhile. Maybe there was something wrong, but Summer didn't know. She didn't think anymore, because if she thought than she would remember and Summer didn't remember anything anymore.

_I know one thing that never changes and  
that's you as my best friend_

She got dressed effortlessly not paying any attention to what she put on. She did her make up to perfection and sat on her bed for a while just staring. She didn't know what to do. She was empty and wasn't sure why. It had been a ridiculously long time since she breathed one breath or that her heart beat one time. She probably should have been worried or concerned, but she didn't notice and more importantly she didn't care.

_I don't know what I'd ever do without you  
From the beginning to the end  
You've always been here right beside me  
So I'll call you my best friend  
Through the good times and the bad ones  
Whether I lose or If I win  
I know one thing that never changes and  
That's you as my best friend_

**Thanks for reading I hope that you liked it!! Please review and tell me what you think it is so important to me and I promise to post the third and final chapter about Ryan as soon as I can and I promise to try to make it as amazing as possible!! Thanks and that song is Best Friend by Brandy!!!**


	4. Until The Day I Die

**Hey everyone I am soo sorry it has taken me so long to update and finish this!! But here it is and I really hope that you like it!**

I sat there in the hospital staring at the white walls in the waiting room. I had been checked out and after a lot of exams and tests they finally said I could go. I should be able to drive out of here myself, but my car is on the side of the road up side down. I am now sitting here waiting for the Cohen's to come and pick me up.

My head is in my hands and I'm massaging my temples. I have a horrible headache. I hear Sandy and Kirsten ask the receptionist which room I'm in so I stood up and they turned around and gasped when they saw me.

Kirsten had tears in her eyes and she came over and wrapped her arms around me and hugged me tightly. It should probably be hurting me a lot right now since I had just been in a bad car accident, but it didn't. Sandy came over and after she pulled away hugged me also. After he pulled away I looked behind them to see Julie and Kaitlin there with tear stained cheeks.

I looked back to Sandy and Kirsten and they had so much sympathy and sadness in their eyes I didn't know why I'm fine they don't need to worry. A man in a gray suit came up and asked who was the legal guardian of Marissa Cooper. As soon as he said _her _name my blood started to boil. What did he want with Marissa?

"I'm her mother." Julie said sadly.

"Will you come with me ma'am and identify the body?" He asked politely.

_Identify the body. _Those words rang in my ears. Julie nodded and sobbed as she and Kaitlin walked away with the man. I clenched my fists tightly. Sandy and Kirsten looked at me with concern. Everything that happened tonight flashed into my mind. All of the things we did the model home, talking to her about that night so many years ago, driving her to the airport, and then the _accident. _

_Until the day I die  
I'll spill my heart for you, for you_

Anger immediately rose in my blood it was on fire. Kirsten put a gentle hand on my arm. A nice motherly gesture that I never received growing up, but had become used to after the Cohen's adopted me. I shook her off and stepped back from them. My eyes were guarded and they took a step toward me.

"Ryan please let us take you home." Kirsten said gently. She looked worried.

I looked at Sandy. "Come on Ryan lets go home." He said also very gently. He looked at Kirsten with a worried stare.

'She's dead, Marissa died tonight in my arms.' I thought. Suddenly I wasn't angry anymore. That feeling disappeared and was replaced with _nothing. _My eyes weren't red anymore with anger they were lifeless, black there was nothing there anymore.

_Until the day I die  
I'll spill my heart for you_

"Come on kid lets get you home." Sandy said warmly as he put his hand on my shoulder and led me out of the hospital. We rode home in silence. Sandy and Kirsten kept looking back at me and then would look at each other worriedly. I was still I didn't even blink. I was staring straight ahead like I was back at the hospital. I didn't even notice when we were home.

"Ryan honey were home." Kirsten said as she put a hand on my knee and shook it lightly. I looked at her for a second with empty eyes and got out of the car silently.

We walked in and I still hadn't said anything to them. Sandy's phone rang and I could tell it was Julie and I could hear her crying saying that she and Kaitlin just identified Marissa's body.

We walked into the kitchen. "Hey Ryan can I get you something to eat or drink a bagel or maybe some coffee?" She asked me. I shook my head saying no and walked out of there into the pool house.

Kirsten sighed. "Oh Sandy this is horrible I can't believe that she's dead." She sobbed into her husband's arms.

"I know I'm going to miss her too." He said trying to be strong, but on the inside he was very broken up.

"I'm so worried about Ryan this is even worse than his mother abandoning him I think its even worse than when Trey left." She said wiping her tears.

"We just have to be there for him, but I'm worried too he is going to take this so hard and I'm afraid he is going to shut us all out and never talk about it you know he's going to blame himself." Sandy said worriedly. Kirsten nodded trying not to start sobbing again.

_As years go by  
I race the clock with you_

I sat on my bed on the edge. I was smoking a cigarette. I hadn't smoked in a while and I missed it. I didn't move except to ash the cigarette. I wouldn't even be breathing if I wasn't smoking. 'Inhale, exhale, breathe, ash.' Its all I would let myself think of. I wouldn't even for one second let myself think about Marissa, not the fact that in the model home we said it wasn't over or the fact that I would be going to college without her. I couldn't think about that. I put out the cigarette out and stood up.

I walked over to the dresser and picked up some sweat pants and a wife beater. I took off my smoky and blood stained clothes and dropped them on the floor. I went into the bathroom and started the shower. I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror. I had cuts on my face and some bruises on my body, but I was okay. I was _alive_. She wasn't, not anymore. 'She's dead.' I thought. All the color drained from my body. All feelings, all emotions, all memories I couldn't, I wouldn't it was too hard to go there. I showered hoping it would help. It didn't. I picked up the clothes I picked out and put them on.

In the corner of my eye I saw the picture of Marissa and me at the beach, and I walked over to it. I picked it up and studied it. She looked beautiful as usual. We were smiling, because we were happy we were together. I hated myself for thinking about her and about tonight. 'Volchock.' I thought with rage. I hated him he should be dead right now not Marissa not my Marissa.

_But if you died right now  
You know that I'd die to  
I'd die too_

'It should have been me.' I thought bitterly. 'She should be here alive and well she shouldn't be sitting in a morgue dead!' My hand tightened around the picture. 'It's your fault that she's dead. If it weren't for you she would be on a plane alive going to see her dad!' A voice in my head told me. I took the picture in my hand and threw it as hard as I could at the wall. It hit and shattered the frame. The picture slipped out and sat there on the floor.

I locked all of the doors in the pool house and sat on the bed with fists clenched so hard I thought my knuckles were going to break.

_You remind me of the times  
When I knew who I was (I was)_

"I should have pulled over or stopped the car!" I grumbled angrily but quietly. I sat there the whole night staring off into nothing with clenched fists and kept telling myself it was my fault. I didn't move I didn't think I didn't feel.

There was no point in doing any of those things anymore. Marissa is dead and it's my fault. I don't deserve to live.

_But still the second hand will catch us  
Like it always does_

The next morning I saw the shadow of an approaching person coming up to the door. I could tell it was Seth and he was holding two cups of coffee. He tried to open the door, but it was locked. He knocked.

"Ryan buddy it's me and I have coffee." He said, but he didn't sound sarcastic or happy like usual. He sounded monotone and unhappy.

I didn't answer I didn't want to see anyone and I sure as hell didn't want to talk to anyone about anything. He knocked again.

"Ryan please open the door." He begged but his voice was still lifeless. I didn't move. I heard him knock one more time and wait. He finally got the message and turned around and headed back inside.

_We'll make the same mistakes_

_I'll take the fall for you  
I hope you need this now  
Cause I know I still do_

I stayed there still for hours no one tried to come and talk to me. Eventually Sandy knocked on the doors. "Ryan are you in there?" He asked already knowing the answer to that. I sighed but didn't say anything. I put the cigarette inbetween my lips again as I had been all day and inhaled deeply.

"Ryan I'm sorry about everything but please don't shut me out talk to me." He said miserably. I didn't move. 'Exhale.'

"Listen I'm not going to force you to talk, but if you need to I'm always here you know that." He turned around and left.

'Talking won't help anything she's dead and talking isn't going to change that its your fault!' I thought as I inhaled again and exhaled.

_Until the day I die (Until the day I die)  
I'll spill my heart for you_

_Until the day I die (Until the day I die)  
I'll spill my heart for you_

I walked over to the picture lying on the floor. I ignored it and picked up a piece of glass that lay next to it. I looked into the mirror that was on the wall. My eyes were black, dead. 'Just like Marissa.' I thought miserably. I put the glass on my wrist.

"_Who are you?"_

"_Whoever you want me to be."_

'Inhale.' The glass penetrated through the skin on my wrist as I dragged it across. I kept looking at myself in the mirror. I looked horrible. There were bags under my eyes, a cigarette hanging out of my mouth and cuts and bruises all over my face and shoulders. My eyes never changed though. They stayed black and filled with the pain and emptiness that I should be feeling except the fact that I don't feel anymore. 

_Should I bite my tongue?  
Until blood soaks my shirt  
We'll never fall apart  
Tell me why this hurts so much_

Blood poured out of my wrist as I hanged at my side. It trickled down to the floor forming a puddle on top of the picture and the glass around it. I dropped the glass and clenched my bloody fist. I couldn't stand to look at myself ever again. 'You killed her!' I thought as I punched as hard as I could right into my reflection. More glass shattered onto the floor.

_My hands are at your throat  
And I think I hate you_

I stepped back and looked at what I did. 'Exhale.' I put the cigarette into the ashtray right next to a dozen other ones that I had smoked since last night. There was a mess of broken glass and blood on the floor. I looked at my wrist. It was still bleeding and I had punched the mirror with the same hand. It was covered with blood. I couldn't tell if there was more blood from cutting my wrist or from punching the mirror. I didn't care though I couldn't feel it.

_But still we'll say, "remember when"  
Just like we always do  
Just like we always do_

I washed my hands off and stopped all of the bleeding. The cold water didn't sting like it should or maybe it did and I couldn't feel it. My eyes still hadn't changed. They were blank nothing left. I heard another knock at the door. I sighed frustrated. Why didn't they just leave me alone?

"Ryan sweetie its time for dinner." Kirsten said gently.

I wasn't going to eat. I wasn't even hungry.

"Ryan please talk to me." She said so sweetly and yet so broken I almost opened the door.

"You don't have to talk Ryan but you need to eat something." She said still urging for me to come open the door.

"I'm not hungry." I said just loud enough for her to hear me.

"Ryan please open up." She begged like Seth had and Sandy. I didn't say anything else I just waited until she gave up and left. She finally did after a couple of minutes.

_Until the day I die (Until the day I die)  
I'll spill my heart for you_

_Until the day I die (Until the day I die)  
I'll spill my heart for you_

They all tried one more time that night to talk to me. I wouldn't let them. I stayed in the poolhouse day after day. I never ate, I didn't sleep, if I wasn't smoking than I didn't breathe. If I let myself think about _her_ I picked up another piece of glass and attempted to somehow feel something. It never worked. It had been one week since _that_ night. I didn't talk to anyone. Finally it was the day of her funeral. Summer came and knocked on the door.

"Atwood can I come in?" She asked with no emotion in her voice.

I didn't say anything. I heard her sigh.

"Look Ryan everyone is worried about you and we all miss seeing you so please come out." She asked warmly.

I stayed silent. "You're not the only one who misses her Atwood and you're not the only one who lost her I loved her just as much as you did!" She yelled angrily. That made me answer the door.

_Yeah I'd spill my heart!!!  
Yeah I'd spill my heart for you!!!_

When I opened it she looked surprised. "At-." I cut her off.

"No its not past tense for me okay Summer I still love her and I know I'm not the only one who lost her, but I'm the only one who was there with her and watched her die knowing it was my fault!" I yelled at her fiercely. She didn't look scared, but she did look concerned.

"Ryan it wasn't your fault she loved you and she wouldn't want you blaming yourself." She said softly.

I scoffed at her and she looked at me and then I saw her eyes travel down my arms to my wrist and hands. She opened her mouth and covered it with her hand. I looked down too and put my arms behind my back so she couldn't see. She looked into the poolhouse and saw the glass on the floor and the picture.

"Oh my god Ryan you've been cutting yourself?" She asked sadly.

No I wasn't going to let her see I stepped back.

"Atwood let me see let me help." She said urgently.

"No Summer get out!" I said to her.

"No you need to let me help you so we can go to Coop's funeral." Her voice broke at the end of that and I looked at her. She was wearing a black dress and she looked miserable.

I shook my head I was not going to watch them burry the love of my life.

"Coop would want you there Atwood you need to go." She insisted.

"I'm not going Summer now get the hell out!" I said harshly but broken this is exactly why I didn't want to see anyone. It made me remember and I coulnd't do that. I really needed a cigarette. She nodded her head and walked out slowly whispering, "Its not past tense for me either she is my best friend and I miss her." I slammed the door shut after she left and locked it again. I ran my hands over my face and sighed.

I lit the cigarette and my hands started shaking. I tried to steady myself but I coulnd't. 'She's gone forever. They're burrying her today.' I ran my nervous fingers through my hair. This isn't real.

_My hands are at your throat  
And I think I hate you_

_We made the same mistakes  
Mistakes like friends do_

I picked up the glass just like I had so many times this past week. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I tried so hard but I love her too much and I isn't fucking fair that she was taken from me. 'Remember whose fault it is that's she's gone.' The same voice that had been in my head all week said to me. With shaky hands I put the glass to my wrist and pushed down and let it pierce through. I dragged it and the blood ran down my hand.

_My hands are at your throat  
And I think I hate you_

_We made the same mistakes  
Made the same mistakes_

Each time I did this another part of me disappeared. The night she died I died too. Just because I'm still physically alive doesn't mean that inside I'm there at all. She took me with her that night. I miss her she didn't deserve this. 'No stop thinking about her!' I told myself.

I had heard everyone leave for the funeral so I knew I was alone. I quickly cleaned up the glass and stopped the bleeding on my arm. Cutting didn't even help it still wouldn't bring her back. I looked at my scars there were a few there. My hands had always had scars from the hundreds of fights I had been in all my life. Growing up in Chino you better know how to fight.

_Until the day I die  
I'll spill my heart for you, for you_

I walked outside for the first time in a week. I didn't even stop to pay attention to the beautiful weather or anything. It didn't matter nothing matters anymore. Nothing ever did except her.

I took the keys and got into the car and drove. I pulled up to a store. I walked in and got what I needed the guy didn't even question me the look I gave him told him I didn't want to talk that I just wanted to buy it and get out of there.

As I drove my mind shut off. It basically had been since she died. _I_ stopped when she died.

"_I really don't trust people, but I trust you."_

"_Maybe you just need something to take your mind off of it."_

"_I love you."_

"_Thank you."_

"_I don't know if we meant anything to you, but you meant a lot to me you still do."_

My knuckles were tightening around the steering wheel as I tried to block out the memories, but I couldn't.

_Until the day I die (Until the day I die)  
I'll spill my heart for you, for you_

I pulled into the beach and grabbed the bag and got out to start walking. I walked to the place that always made us feel safe. I always came here after we fought I knew she would be here. I walked up the ramp and sat down in _her_ spot. I looked out into the ocean and watched as the waves crashed together on the shore. I wish the waves could take me to her.

I pulled out the cold metal gun. I loaded it with the bullets I bought and I just looked at it. It looked a lot like the gun that Marissa had shot Trey with last year. That seems like forever ago. My hands started trembling and shaking with fear. I missed her so much and I love her more than anything I don't know what to do anymore.

"_It's hard to believe that after everything we've been through together there's nothing left to say."_

"_Well we were never that great with words anyway."_

I sighed and closed my eyes. That was the biggest mistake I had ever made breaking up with her.

"_That night did you ever think that we would end up together?"_

"_What are you saying it's over? I mean you never know right?"_

My hand automatically clenched themselves into fists. My right hand held the gun tightly. The scars were all present from fighting, from cutting everything now it held a gun.

_Until the day I die (Until the day I die)  
I'll spill my heart for you_

'They say that there is someone out there for everyone. Someone who completes you and is better for you than the rest. That was my problem there wasn't anybody better than Marissa, not for me anyway.' That was my last thought as I lifted the cold black gun in my shaking hand to my temple whispering, "I'm so sorry." And pulled the trigger.

_Until the day I die (Until the day I die)  
Until the day I die!!!_

**Okay so that is it!! I really hope that you loved it and I really hope that you review it would mean a lot it doesn't matter what you say!! Thanks so much and I'm sorry again it took so long to finally finish!**

**Xoxo Summer Davis**


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